Journey Verse

Love Song for My Savior

2011-06-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

Lord, you’ve never left me
Even when I left you
When I didn’t deserve your help
And you gave it anyway.
When I couldn’t even love myself
You loved me more
You loved me more

When I was lost

And didn’t know it
Alone in a dangerous place
Well I didn’t deserve to be saved
But you saved me anyway.
Though my sins were like the stars,
You loved me more
You loved me more

Now when I look down at these eyes

Smiling up at me, my child
I know he’ll never have to earn my love
I’ll just love him anyway.
Yet as deep as this love runs,
You love me more
You love me more

And I can imagine your own Son
The precious Prince of heaven.
I know you didn’t have to give him up
But you gave Him anyway.
It must have hurt so much
To give that gift, I know
But you loved me more
You loved me..
More.

"To Want"

2006-08-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

This was also written in 2003, after the long awaited birth of our precious son, Seth. It was written about the struggle with infertility, but relates to many delayed gratifications in life.

To want something so badly
that it hurts--
To pour your heart out into a dream,
And then to receive it,
May be life’s greatest privilege
After all.
Who can put a price
On a vision brought to life?
And what joy would it bring
To achieve it easily?
Though the pain may be real,
Unbearably real and
Soul-discouraging at times,
This much I have learned--

Each day that passes,
Each sobering moment
of doubt and despair,
of struggle and strife,
Heaps a spoonful of sweetness
Atop the joy to be had
On that glorious someday to come
When dream meets reality.
When what once was a curse
Turns to blessing,
A great magnifying glass
For the joys that abound.
Joys that exceed your fondest wish,
Your wildest dream in fervent prayer.
Joys only heightened
by the memory of longing.

What great fortune to be that mother.
What greater fortune indeed to be
that precious child,
born to such a love as this.

The Valley Crossed

2006-08-04T00:31:00.000-07:00

These verses were written in the Spring of 2003, shortly after the birth of our son.

What do you say
when the valley is crossed--
when the void that
nothing and no one could fill
is lovingly patched
with threads of gold?

How do you ever repay the debt
to all who prayed unceasingly
and He who answered at last
with an answer more beautiful
than you’d ever hoped?

What do you reap at last
but faith for the journey,
comfort for the weary,
hope for tomorrow
and a glimpse of His
merciful love?

What can I give Him
but all of my thanks,
all of my praise,
all of my joy,
and all of my trust
for all of my life!

In the Valley

2006-08-04T00:18:00.000-07:00

The following is a collection of poems which reflects my journey through one of the darker valleys of my life, beginning with the stillbirth of our daughter, through the miscarriage of three more babies, interspersed with periods of prolonged infertility. These verses were written between December of 1999 and October of 2001.

Broken

All at once
From a grand oasis of innocence
I was stolen.
In the blink of an eye
the landscape was transformed
and I found myself
alone in a desert wasteland
defenseless to the blinding wind
and blazing sun.
I’d never known that life
could be so cruel,
That any pain could cut so deep
as the emptiness I found there.
It was there—only there--
childless and barren,
broken and bowed low,
that my Lord would begin
to pick up the pieces.

Nobody’s Mommy

When I was Maria’s Mommy,
my life was complete
with the promise of what was to be.
When everything changed
and I ceased to be Mommy
to those around me
A great hole was born in my heart.
It is a hole it seems that nothing
And no one can fill.

In my heart I am still today
And always will be her mother.
Its who I became the first time
She kicked me from within.
But the world will not allow
me to be that woman.
Instead, it tells me
I must be the person I once was-
Nobody’s mommy at all.

They don’t know.
How could they?
She was to them no more than
A promised spring shower
that never fell.
A summer vacation planned
that was simply postponed.
An event that was meant to be,
But in fact never was.
Oh, but she WAS.
I know.

I know because
she kicked me fiercely
Every morning before lunch
And fluttered like a
Tiny butterfly every afternoon.
Because she made me get up
at 1 a.m. for a cheese sandwich.
Because she soothed to
Mozart, DeBussy, and
the sound of her
Daddy’s voice.
Because I gave birth to her and
held her little body in my arms
one December day.
I know because she once was here
And now is gone.

And so I am
A mother—removed
In limbo
Struggling to remember
The woman I once was.
Knowing I can’t go back,
Not wanting to.
Treasuring precious memories alone,
Refusing to trade a beautiful dream
For its nightmarish end.

What I’d Like to Say

Children?
Yes I have children.
I have two
as a matter of fact!
Such sweet kids.
Their names?
Well my oldest is Maria
She’ll be two in December.
Then there’s little Gabriel
He just turned one in June.
What a handful they he must be.
Well you see they’re
staying with my dad right now.
He’s really good with them
and they’re having a great time.
Yeah, its hard at times but
they love it there and
I’m going to see them soon
and catch up for lost time.
How about you, any kids?

EPT

A white stick,
a purple cap
trembles in my hand.
A circle
with no line
talks to me…

“Zero,” it says,
as in the chance your dream
has come true,
as in the worth
you feel as a woman.

“Empty,”
as in your womb,
as in your arms.

“Silent,”
as in this moment,
as in the sound of
your childless home.

“Blank”
as in the future,
as in your disbelieving stare,
at yet another circle
with no line.

What an unrelenting ritual
what a cruel little stick
That mocks optimism
and scoffs at hope.

Infertility

Month after tiresome month
Here am I
Betrayed by the woman within
The crippled half-woman
who can’t do the simplest thing
and conceive.
Mere children do this,
and by accident!
Hear me,
frail, helpless woman
pushing to let go,
tearing at my heart today.
I hear them too--
Don’t you think I hear them?
telling you every day
in mindless chorus
stop trying
just stop trying
I give you this--
my permission to be
Be happy
Be strong
Be fertile
For heaven’s sake
Be who it is that you are.
Keep trying,
Keep hoping,
But let me live my life.

Surrender

what can you say
when its happening again
when another child is gone
what words can make a difference
when faith is all that’s left
and you can’t pretend
to be in control anymore
there is nothing left to do
nothing left to say
and yet I know
the Lord hears my thoughts
and that is enough

Ode to a Dream Realized

2005-11-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

Donald Seth,
You are the picture of hope.
In you there is the sound of joy
the touch of love,
a light where there once was none.
In you there is drenching rain
for our thirsty hearts.

Sweet child,
I doubt you’ll ever know
just what you mean.
I doubt any words from
Mama’s heart can make you see.

But little one, you must know--
Your life is not your own.
I gave it to our Father long ago,
On the day that you were born
To do with what He pleases.

I know, my son,
That someday you will leave me
and you’ll take your light
To some far off corner,
To shine in your own special way.
Until that day, my only prayer is this--
That I may use with wisdom
each and every day,
Each moment I’m given
the privilege of being your Mom.
That I may somehow instill in you
A sense of the awesome power
And love of God
I’ve come to know
Because of you.

For Donald Anthony ~ to Celebrate a Decade

2005-11-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

Could it really be ten years
Since that moment--
The moment
Our lives were changed forever?
Who could see that smile
And ever forget--
The day.
It was the day life truly began,
When the boundaries of my tiny world
Crashed to the ground--
the day I met a young man
Like none I’d ever known,
Or ever would.
The man I would someday
Call my husband.
Yes, that was the day
the heavens opened up
and smiled on me.

[Note, its been eleven years now, but the substance of this poem still rings true.. well, most days anyway :-) ]

Grace

2005-11-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

I did it “my way”--
You loved me anyway.

I took Your blessings for granted--
You blessed me more.

I turned my back on You—
You showed Your face to me.

I took the credit--I took the reins,
And loving Father that You are,
You let me have them.

Until at last, broken and lost
I wandered home to your waiting arms,
Home to the joy
that was there for me all along.

The joy of surrender,
Accepting through grace
What I couldn’t earn.

The joy of imagining
How deep Your love must be.
How infinitely larger than all my fears.

The joy of getting to know
Day by day
The tender hand
That holds my own
And my every tomorrow
in Its merciful grasp.

Praise You for loving me
For all Your mysterious ways
For weaving together
My moments,
Even my failures,
Even this day, with unseen thread
Into something You can use
For making something beautiful
of my life.

Ode to My Enemies

2005-11-01T22:08:00.000-08:00

If you hate me because I’m “beautiful”
Please don’t bother.
Soon enough this skin will fall away
And only One will know what lies beneath

If you hate me because I’m gifted
Or blessed beyond what I deserved
Take a look in the mirror
And thank God that Grace is for everyone.

I don’t know why these things amuse you--
To isolate and to judge.
I don’t know why you choose
to blame your pain on me
When all I ever offered you was love
And I don’t know quite how it is
you can call me a hypocrite,
When all I ever did was try and fail.

But I know that any wrong I’ve done
is covered by the blood of my Redeemer
And that I’m righteous in his sight

And I know that every arrow that you aim
In the direction of one of His chosen ones
Will only pierce your flesh
For He has promised to avenge

And I’m humbled by the mercy I’ve been shown
That I can turn my back to you
In the shelter of His arms
And I’m thankful that I can
Finally stop trying to please you.
It was a waste of my time, anyway.
It was a waste of His time, anyway.