The following is a collection of poems which reflects my journey through one of the darker valleys of my life, beginning with the stillbirth of our daughter, through the miscarriage of three more babies, interspersed with periods of prolonged infertility. These verses were written between December of 1999 and October of 2001.
BrokenAll at once
From a grand oasis of innocence
I was stolen.
In the blink of an eye
the landscape was transformed
and I found myself
alone in a desert wasteland
defenseless to the blinding wind
and blazing sun.
I’d never known that life
could be so cruel,
That any pain could cut so deep
as the emptiness I found there.
It was there—only there--
childless and barren,
broken and bowed low,
that my Lord would begin
to pick up the pieces.
Nobody’s Mommy
When I was Maria’s Mommy,
my life was complete
with the promise of what was to be.
When everything changed
and I ceased to be Mommy
to those around me
A great hole was born in my heart.
It is a hole it seems that nothing
And no one can fill.
In my heart I am still today
And always will be her mother.
Its who I became the first time
She kicked me from within.
But the world will not allow
me to be that woman.
Instead, it tells me
I must be the person I once was-
Nobody’s mommy at all.
They don’t know.
How could they?
She was to them no more than
A promised spring shower
that never fell.
A summer vacation planned
that was simply postponed.
An event that was meant to be,
But in fact never was.
Oh, but she WAS.
I know.
I know because
she kicked me fiercely
Every morning before lunch
And fluttered like a
Tiny butterfly every afternoon.
Because she made me get up
at 1 a.m. for a cheese sandwich.
Because she soothed to
Mozart, DeBussy, and
the sound of her
Daddy’s voice.
Because I gave birth to her and
held her little body in my arms
one December day.
I know because she once was here
And now is gone.
And so I am
A mother—removed
In limbo
Struggling to remember
The woman I once was.
Knowing I can’t go back,
Not wanting to.
Treasuring precious memories alone,
Refusing to trade a beautiful dream
For its nightmarish end.
What I’d Like to SayChildren?
Yes I have children.
I have two
as a matter of fact!
Such sweet kids.
Their names?
Well my oldest is Maria
She’ll be two in December.
Then there’s little Gabriel
He just turned one in June.
What a handful they he must be.
Well you see they’re
staying with my dad right now.
He’s really good with them
and they’re having a great time.
Yeah, its hard at times but
they love it there and
I’m going to see them soon
and catch up for lost time.
How about you, any kids?
EPTA white stick,
a purple cap
trembles in my hand.
A circle
with no line
talks to me…
“Zero,” it says,
as in the chance your dream
has come true,
as in the worth
you feel as a woman.
“Empty,”
as in your womb,
as in your arms.
“Silent,”
as in this moment,
as in the sound of
your childless home.
“Blank”
as in the future,
as in your disbelieving stare,
at yet another circle
with no line.
What an unrelenting ritual
what a cruel little stick
That mocks optimism
and scoffs at hope.
InfertilityMonth after tiresome month
Here am I
Betrayed by the woman within
The crippled half-woman
who can’t do the simplest thing
and conceive.
Mere children do this,
and by accident!
Hear me,
frail, helpless woman
pushing to let go,
tearing at my heart today.
I hear them too--
Don’t you think I hear them?
telling you every day
in mindless chorus
stop trying
just stop trying
I give you this--
my permission to be
Be happy
Be strong
Be fertile
For heaven’s sake
Be who it is that you are.
Keep trying,
Keep hoping,
But let me live my life.
Surrenderwhat can you say
when its happening again
when another child is gone
what words can make a difference
when faith is all that’s left
and you can’t pretend
to be in control anymore
there is nothing left to do
nothing left to say
and yet I know
the Lord hears my thoughts
and that is enough
